7.12.2010

Familiarity

The very word itself brings me great comfort. Familiarity, to me, is waking up on the same bed surrounded by the same things in the same room of the same house with the very same people at the same street every single day for years. Familiarity, to me, is lolling in the same position on the same sofa in front of the same TV. Familiarity, to me, is reflexively gazing at the same angle and spotting just the same things at the same corners in the same home. Familiarity, to me, is punching in the same password on the same alarm and securing the same padlocks in the same manner on the same grilled door before leaving the house. Familiarity, to me, is walking to the same kitchen via the same hallway with food on the same table almost everyday...or maybe this is just laziness. Familiarity, to me, is living two minutes away from the same mamak food stalls, four minutes away from the same high school and six minutes away from the same good friends. Familiarity, to me, has been my last nineteen years on Earth.

It is quite a sad prospect to know that the familiarity which has been a part of me for the longest time will be stripped away soon. One more month of it will not suffice. I am already beginning to tear myself away from the galactically vast amount of things in my room which I cannot bring along with me. I am slowly detaching myself from the daily rituals I always perform thoughtlessly. And I am trying to brace myself for change.

'Change' is a word which brings me great discomfort. Change, to me, is having to first accept and then get used to an impossibly large number of new things: people, environment, lifestyle -the foundations of life itself. Change, to me, is being shoved out of the dearly loved comfort zone into an entirely new world of unfamiliarity and endless uncertainties. Change, to me, is waking up on a lovely day and realizing that you are no longer in the same circumstances and cannot share it with the same people anymore. Change, to me, is what I always look forward to but know without a doubt that I can crumble from at the drop of a hat. Change, to me, is another definition of fear.

So am I afraid of change? Like. A. Plucked. Chicken.

Truth be told, I am more afraid of change than I actually am of leaving. It's funny because I was never one who feared change. Or at least, I thought I was. It wasn't until college began that I learned something unfortunate about myself: I don't deal well with change. At all. A little over a month into college, 'change' thankfully morphed into 'familiarity' and I found comfort on so many levels with all things college. I am expecting the transition from college to university to be doubly harder than the one from high school to college -for many glaring and subtle reasons. But as afraid as I am, I will plunge ahead knowing with every fiber of my being that as unfamiliar as things may get, I have a very familiar God with me. And that is the one greatest thing about familiarity which I can always carry with me.

Self-pitiness aside, my brother and I have been busying ourselves by doing the necessary preparation for the States; me for education purposes and my brother for travel purposes. I also seem to be very cranky, impatient and irritable lately. Not that I haven't been cranky, impatient and irritable all my life. Oy. All this non-academic stress isn't boding too well with me.

Feels good to rant lengthily. It has been a while. I would rant further if I didn't have to get back to my to-do list. But I ain't kvetching. It is a privilege! I know that now. God is forever in control.

Commit your work to the LORD, and then your plans will succeed. -Proverbs 16:3

2 comments:

Joyce said...

amen. :)

Justine said...

Hehe. Amen. =) You must be feeling the same yeah? Keeping each other in prayer! :D