11.13.2009

Satisfaction

Note: I have been wanting to post this since the beginning of time and if I don’t I will never rest.

I know a girl who irks me beyond belief. She didn’t used to be this paranoid about the grades of every single test but now she is. She didn’t need to hold her tongue because there wasn’t any need to but now there is. She didn’t used to be this ungrateful despite the many great things around her but now she is. She didn’t used to be this indecisive about things that matter but now she is. She didn’t used to be brought down by the things that don’t actually matter but now she is. She didn’t used to try to stand on her own but now she is –and failing at it, I might add. She didn’t used to be dispassionate about anything but now she is –about everything. She didn't used to be this selfish and self-absorbed but now she is. She didn’t used to be this abhorrent but now she is. Without a doubt.

I don’t know how and when she became like this and I don’t and never have liked this version of her. I don’t know what to say to her to make her change because I have been trying impossibly hard to do so but it is never enough. I don’t know why she is constantly discouraged in anything she does but I think I do. I don’t know why she can’t quit being annoying because that is starting to get too annoying to handle. And I don’t know how she is able to live with herself because I certainly can’t.

This girl is the same age as I am and shares all the same interests as I do. She looks like me, sounds like me and acts like me. And lo and behold, she is me. And I hate her. I really do. And if I saw her as a person outside of me, I would literally punch her until sense floods back into her head. I have been wanting to punch something/someone lately anyway.

I know I am loved. But I am hated by the one person who shouldn’t: myself. Psh.

P/S: Mom, if you’re reading this, don’t panic because everything is well. I am just going through the teenage angst phase I am not supposed to. There are 48721 posts just like this in the World Wide Web. All is good. Except maybe the expired food in the refrigerator.

PP/S: If you are reading this and you are not my mom, this is one of those times when what’s written in the blog stays in the blog. I am not troubled. (OK, maybe I am.) Just at peace now that I’ve finally written this post.

PPP/S: I am not emotional. Nor am I in denial. I am just undeniably emotional. Aiiee!

*more will be added to this post when a new repulsive trait pops up into my head

2 comments:

Anne said...

as we grow up,i guess life kinda changes us in a way..but its all a process of learning and growing..and im sure that you will grow to be a fine person :) So dont hate yourself,you're loved indeed! And you are a blessing to many,perhaps without you realising most of the time =) *hugs*

Justine said...

=)