Note: I fully advise you to seriously disregard the following unless you want to be seriously bored out of your serious mind. Seriously.
There are very few things in life which can elicit childlike joy in me -reading the perfect book being one of them. And after watching the air show on Saturday, I discovered a new thing which can bring me undiluted happiness -flying. I do not know anything about aircraft models, nor do I know how a jet plane works; all I know is that I want to fly one, naïve as that may sound. Just like how a musician knows with every fiber of his being that music is the very essence of his life and just like how a teacher affirms that imparting knowledge to young people is the most rewarding job on earth, I know with all my heart that I want to fly a plane -or a jet plane, to be precise.
The dream first came into being eons ago, when my brother said he wanted to be a pilot. And since I was small then and had no idea what I wanted to be in the future, I just followed in his footsteps and told myself that I should be a pilot, too. The dream didn’t last very long, as expected. I constantly changed my mind over the years and as some people might know, I even considered pursuing journalism/writing at one point…which now seems like yet another dream waiting to be unfulfilled.
In retrospect, I have changed my mind about what I aspire to be about five million times or so, never resting on any one decision for more than a year. This would be permissible when I was back in high school since it was the perfect time to find a dream and then shape that dream. But high school is long gone now and my dream is barely formed. It is a bit frustrating, not knowing what to do even though the little voice is nudging you to go for what you want to do instead of what you think you should do.
The oldest dream of mine which has lasted for a little over a year happens to be writing…though I doubt myself big-time in that area. So having a new -albeit not technically- dream now leaves me feeling bittersweet. Bitter because I don’t know where to go from here and sweet because I know I want to get there; somehow, someday.
I feel a tad too foolish for being so rash and changing my mind that quickly after witnessing just one aerobatics performance…though I can say with conviction that I want to be a part of that. But what began as an upgraded dream morphed into utter hopelessness as I pondered about what I am doing now and how that will get me nowhere near a jet plane. I am not entirely sure if I will want to recant this later on but I concede that I may have lost interest in all else except the very act of flying. And I am positively sure that learning about rocks and soil and elements of the earth will slowly eat me up inside over the years.
But alas, I don’t know what to do and am back to square one now. Because even though I know without a doubt that the one thing I want to do in my life is soar through the skies, I am clouded with a million valid fears and doubts. How does the blind paint breathtaking pictures? How does the deaf belt out a melodious tune? I don’t know the answer to those questions but if I had to make a guess, I’d say it was faith. In everything.
How awesome it would be if I really do end up flying a plane for the aerobatics air force team, and then look back and think to myself in amazement, “Wow, I actually got here.” It is always inspiring to read stories of successful people in any field wherein they stuck to the dream they had since they were kids and actually attained it in the palm of their hands. I am, of course, prepared to live the dream, but reaching for it is another story in itself because I am a complete chicken with zero guts whatsoever.
And the one pathetic thing I’ve learned about myself since I had to make decisions on my own is that I give up way too easily. And if things in life don’t bring me down, I weigh myself down without even knowing it. This only makes it even harder for me to go halfway, much less all the way, for anything I wish to do in life, e.g. writing. But then again, I know that sometimes my worries which are holding me back are worth mulling over. Because my passion alone just isn’t enough sometimes. And giving up the dream seems to be a better choice.
It is always easy to dream about the destination, but never the journey. It would be blissful if I could get to my life’s destination without going through the journey, but then I wouldn’t be living my life if that were to happen. I don’t know when my journey will begin, or whether it will begin at all. And I don’t know where I am headed to. But my faith is in God. Now all I need to do is work on the non-existent faith I have in myself, and then take the first leap of faith.
P/S: At the end of this post, I am still as confused and directionless as ever and don’t know what to do. I just had to say what I had to say. Life certainly is one tough nut to crack. But I’m tougher and always will be.
“We hope the air show you have seen today has inspired you to chase after your dream…” –The Thunderbirds
Word count: 1000. Sweet.